About the Crew

Comlink Established...

Greeting Earthdudes, cosmic surfers and all watchers of the skies

This is the Capt. speaking. How are you all? Here on Spaceship Chandos we have a problem. The hyper drive is in a state best described as "undefuckable". Consequently we are stranded in Earth Mooring Station UKM1.

It all happened after a visit to the Planet Gong, Galaxy Navigator Bosco was a little worse for wear, this resulted in him deciding to cut the journey back to Earth in half. Whilst speeding through the Milky Way the intergalactic police decided to clock us for speeding, this meant we had to go faster...our hyper drive does not exceed mega warp 69...shit.

Anyway here we are on Earth. Trying to fix a hyper drive that does not exist in the timescale of the planet. Also the mooring bay is right in the middle of a busy Manchester university, therefore every time we want to do something varying members of the crew are usually fucked up, pissed up or passed out on the floor.

Let me introduce you to the crew of Spaceship Chandos. We are situated on Deck D - Crew Quarters.

Capt. Garf Spaceman - Capt. of the ship, not that it means much as no one gives a fuck what I say to them and just go about getting pissed up all the time, probably the main reason why we are stuck here on Earth. I have a crew of apathetic motherfuckers, but hey, they're a laugh! Secret rock god (no one knows that though coz it's a secret).

Space Oddity Matt - A very strange bloke indeed, specialises in having no actual role aboard the ship, but without him we would probably be far, far away in some distant galaxy fighting TIE fighters and shagging Princess Leia. Matt also has a preference for disguise, can emulate almost any musician, comedian and dodgy 70s actors using just his printer, can dance to "Faith" in the most amusing style imaginable. Has secret fantasies about shagging Super Furry Animals, odd indeed.

War Officer Psychotic Paul - V E R Y S C A R Y B L O K E !!! This man will rip you bollocks off with just one look. Do not fuck with him. He will "do you in". "Fuckin' good n' proper too". He protects the crew against attack from the dreaded "Philth" the most hideous entity we have ever encountered in our never ending trek across the stars. Can also sing louder than the PA system at concerts, useful in cases of SONIC ATTACK. He is reading this and will probably kick my head in for it. I will stick him in the fucking dock if he tries, COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOULYUFp9ujpj.......comlink terminated...